Dating Is Like Shopping—Here’s How To Avoid Buyer’s Remorse

Episode Title: Dating is Like Shopping—Here’s How to Avoid Buyer’s Remorse
Release Date: February 26, 2025

Hey Love! ❤️
Dating these days can feel like wandering through a store with no price tags. You’re trying things on, but no one’s telling you if it’s on sale, final purchase, or just a display model. And honestly? It’s exhausting not knowing where you stand. Too many people rush through the process, skipping steps, then wonder why things don’t last. So today, we’re slowing it down and breaking it all the way down—because love isn’t something you rush to the checkout with.

In this episode, we’re walking through the Four Stages of Dating and why each one matters. Whether you’re just stepping back into the dating scene or trying to figure out why things keep stalling, this breakdown will help you navigate the process with clarity and intention. Because when you know the steps, you don’t waste time on what’s not for you.

Here’s what we’ll cover:
• Phase 1: "I’m Outside" (Window Shopping) – Exploring what’s out there without committing, making sure you're truly open to love and not just avoiding loneliness.
• Phase 2: Dating (Holding the Item, Feeling It Out) – Testing the waters, being intentional without rushing into exclusivity.
• Phase 3: Courtship (Trying It On, Making a Decision) – The phase where exclusivity comes into play; it's about commitment and alignment before making it official.
• Phase 4: Relationship (The Purchase) – You’re all in. It’s about building something solid and maintaining the love you’ve cultivated.

Key Takeaways:
• Learn why skipping phases leads to confusion and heartbreak.
• Understand how each phase teaches you something essential about yourself and your needs.
• Discover how to move from casual dating to commitment with confidence.
• Identify red and yellow flags that signal when it’s time to pause and reassess.

CTA:
Love this episode? Take a moment to rate and review L_ve Frequency on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Your review might just inspire someone who needs to hear this message. And hey, don’t forget to share this episode with a friend who might need a little help navigating the dating scene.

Because at L_ve Frequency, we believe when you know… you grow! 🌱

Chapters

• 0:04 Can I be real with y'all for a second?
• 35:57 Breaking Down the Dating Process
• 1:35:00 The Four Phases of Dating
• 4:04:05 The Dangers of Rushing in Love
• 8:30:11 Making Meaningful Choices in Relationships
• 9:36:55 Closing Thoughts and Next Steps

Transcript

Nia: 0:00

Can I be real with y'all for a second? Dating these days feels like wandering through a store with no price tags. You're trying things on but nobody's helping you, telling you if it's a sale, final purchase or just a display model and, honestly, it's exhausting. It's exhausting not knowing where you stand. Too many people are rushing through this process, skipping steps, then wondering why things don't last. So today I thought we'd slow things down. Let's break this dating thing all the way down and remove the ambiguity, because love isn't something you rush. You are now tuning in to Love Frequency, where love grows, so let's go.

Nia: 1:01

Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power. I'm your host and favorite love advocate, nya, here to guide you through the journey of breaking toxic patterns and embracing your highest self. On this podcast, we believe that love is not the problem, honey. You are. That's why, every Wednesday, we ask the tough questions, dive deep into the root of the issue and offer tools to help you get out of your own way. If you're loving what you hear, hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And don't be shy. Rate and review the podcast to help us spread the love and the truth, because when you know, you grow. So let's get right to it.

Nia: 1:58

As I'm going through this season of dating with intention and really leaning into what that means, it has been very interesting putting yourself out there, meeting people where they are, in the conversations that tend to transpire. Recently I've met someone who I think is a dope human being great conversation, good chemistry. We're just at two very different places when it comes to dating and I noticed that if I would have met this same person several years ago, I don't think I would have been able to respect the space that they are in, because your mind tells you, if there's good chemistry and you guys seem to like each other, what's the problem? Well, everything that looks good ain't good for you. That is not an assessment of this other person. I'm not saying because she fine, she toxic, that ain't it, just because we are connecting and there's chemistry and there's a good vibe. But you tell me that you're not ready to be in a connection and I tell you that I am dating with intention. There's misalignment and in that conversation I have to stop and look at myself and my values and ask myself am I willing to compromise my values and where I say I am to meet this person where they are. So just because it looks good, just because it feels good, that's not always an indication that I need to forego the work that I've been doing.

Nia: 3:34

Our last conversation I finally just said hey, what does dating mean to you? What does getting to know someone mean to you, and are the two different? What a great conversation mean to you and are the two different. What a great conversation. What a great question to ask. Because I think a lot of times we assume, we think that this topic is going to organically come up through random exchange, and it can for some of us, but for others we don't know the heavy that people are bringing into connections and beyond heavy. We just don't know people's story. So we can't assume that we are going to uncover important details. Why not lean in and just ask? So me asking this question made me really step back and go well, damn, what does dating mean to me?

Nia: 4:22

I can tell you the outcomes of this discussion was me really sitting with dating, courting, talking, situationship, entanglement, friends with benefits, all of these great subcategories that we've created wasn't mean anymore. If we're just talking versus, we're chilling, versus we're dating, versus dating exclusively, it's exhaustive. So I've created four categories for myself. You can use them if you want to Just give me credit. But I created them because I think when I talk to people it is an easier way to be very clear. And it also made me wonder am I the only one? Have you ever been in a connection with somebody where there was some uneasiness around asking what are we, what are we doing? Where is this going? Are we building or am I just wasting my time?

Nia: 5:30

It goes without saying that, as you're entering into the dating phase, that a precursor or a prerequisite would be to be single. I hope that at the very least, we can all be on the same page with this. If you're polyamorous, it's a different situation. If you're ethically non-monogamous, I guess that is single adjacent. But if you were in a relationship, if you are married, if you are exclusive, if you are committed, get the fuck on. I ain't talking to you. I'm so sorry to be like this, but if you are dating, you know that the dating pool is muddled with those that are already in commitments that they're hoping to turn into entanglements.

Nia: 6:17

Let me pause because this actually might be for y'all to come and get some of this thought water. Baby, I'm so sorry. You're thirsty and you do need this drink, not the drink you're thirsting for. So my apologies. I can admit what I'm wrong. Sit your ass down. This is for you.

Nia: 6:39

So let's talk about the first phase. I'm outside Now. A lot of people here outside and immediately think this means we are here running wild, entertaining everybody or just looking for a good time. We're out here being fun. But that's not what this phase is about. I'm outside means I'm exploring, not committing. It's about checking in with yourself, seeing what's out there and figuring out what you actually want before making any decisions. There's beautiful freedom in this space. Think of it like walking into a store without a shopping list. You're just looking around, seeing what catches your eye. It's window shopping.

Nia: 7:25

Now, this phase is for anybody who's just getting back into the dating scene, not sure what they want, or if they're ready to date. If you are actively healing from a breakup, being outside is for you. Whether this is a breakup from a relationship or a situation, pain doesn't care about the label baby. Pain does not discriminate. If you're coming out of a long-term relationship or a long period of being single, being outside is a great place to start, or if you're someone who is currently enjoying being in multiple open-ended situations with no real boundaries, be outside. I love this for you, I love this for us, no matter where you are or how you got there.

Nia: 8:19

This phase is your chance to pause and pay attention. Say that with me Pause and pay attention, because this is the moment where you either grow or repeat old patterns. And let's be clear once again for the people in the back being outside is not about being reckless. It's not about saying yes to every offer, letting everyone in your space or treating people like temporary entertainment. Being outside is about learning yourself. This phase gives you time to move at your own pace. That means having conversations, getting to know people, doing things that bring you joy, not because you're trying to impress someone, but because you're figuring out what aligns with you. And, honestly, there's something beautiful about meeting people who are in the same space exploring, learning, growing. You know that phrase that you attract what you emit. Be careful what you're giving off when you're outside.

Nia: 9:27

You hear me as the researcher that you should become for yourself. When you're outside, are you exploring or are you avoiding? Because sometimes the people we meet bring things out in us good or bad, and it's not by accident. Every reaction you have, every trigger, every spark of interest or irritation, that's information. My question are you paying attention to it? If you're outside and you keep running into situations that create resistance, that's exciting. That's a yellow flag, notice? I didn't say red flag. See, flags. We really like to pull those flags out our pockets when we're dating somebody and throw it at them, but flags aren't about them. You guessed it. They're about you. If a new person is stirring something in you, the real question should be why? What is this moment trying to teach me about myself?

Nia: 10:31

So, before you move into the next phase, make sure your time outside is rooted in your values, not your distractions. This is also where you can process, sit with, evaluate, reassess your values. If you don't know your values by name, take a minute to find them. Name your top four. That's my challenge to you. Ask yourself why they matter. Because when you know what you stand on 10 toes down, it's a lot harder to get knocked off your feet, baby. And if you're not there yet, that's okay. Why? Because you get to pick how long you stay outside. So stay a little bit longer. Just make sure that your time outside, you're actually learning, not just loitering. Okay, honey, all right.

Nia: 11:32

So when we're outside that's when we're window shopping, looking around seeing what's out there the next step happens when something catches the eye and you just keep coming back to it. You ever been in a store walking around and there's that one item that you are just stuck on? You pick it up, put it back down, go back over there, examine it, maybe even put it on hold. You haven't committed to buying it yet, but there's just something about it that keeps drawing you in. Maybe that's dating. Now, before you decide to come inside and start seriously considering this purchase, I want you to first ask yourself am I drawn to this item because I genuinely want it, or am I seeking some sort of validation? Because, listen, there's a big difference between wanting something and needing something. Wanting connection is about partnership. Needing validation is rooted in things that you have not explored or healed yet, and if you don't know the difference, you'll end up investing energy into something that was never meant to be yours in the first place.

Nia: 12:52

See, dating is where you start putting intentional effort into what's next. There's still no commitment, but there should be clear intention. This means open conversations, mutual understanding and no guessing games. And let me put you on game real quick If you're feeling resistance, confusion, inconsistency, you might be dating somebody who's still outside baby, they're still window shopping while you're trying to put them on hold and that right there. That's where people get hurt. Don't force what doesn't fit. This is why it's so important for both people to be on the same page when you enter into this phase.

Nia: 13:37

Dating should be a choice, not an accident or coincidence. That whole fairytale idea that things just magically fall into place, it'll just organically happen Now that's some bullshit. Who in his life ever showed you that that shit just accidentally works? The truth is, sometimes we want things we know we shouldn't have, and that's why alignment matters. Whatever you and this person are building, whether it's exclusive or not, it should make sense for both of you Because, at the end of the day, effort is mutual.

Nia: 14:16

This phase takes work, not struggle, not prove your worth type of work, but effort. This is where friendships and trust are built. This is where a solid foundation is established. This is where mutual investment happens. And because dating takes time, you don't need to rush it. If it's aligned, there will be open communication, there will be understanding and, most importantly, there will be clarity. And also, just like in the first phase, you should still be checking in with your values. But this phase is also where, after there's some trust that's been built, you can start sharing some of those more difficult conversations. But not to dump your past in someone else's lap, hoping it'll make them appreciate you more. Not to use pain as a bonding tool, but to reflect, to learn more about yourself and to see if this person is someone who can hold space for you the way you deserve it.

Nia: 15:27

How differently do you treat the things that you've chosen intentionally, that you've invested in, that you've taken time with, versus things that were just handed to you so quickly? So if I'm dating you, that means I've picked something up, I've made a decision, I'm interested, I keep coming back, but it's still in my hands, y'all. I haven't taken it to the register. I'm still deciding. Now we're in the third phase, now we're in courtship, and this is when things get serious. I found something I like, I've been trying it on and now I'm headed to the register. I'm no longer just window shopping and I'm not casually browsing. I've made a decision and I'm ready to make it official. It's not just about finding what I want. It's about making sure it fits. This is when we start to truly see if we're aligned. We're not just trying things on anymore. We're seeing how they fit together. Can we make this work long-term? Does this feel like something that's going to last, or will it shrink after one wash? At this point, I'm committed, I'm ready. I'm not running around looking for anything else. I know what I want and it feels right. There's no more wandering through the store. This is it. And that's when we talk about exclusivity. It's not about testing things out or keeping my options open anymore. This is when I've made my mind up and I'm saying this is the one. We are headed to the register. We about to make this thing official.

Nia: 17:10

For me, this phase is when I start to introduce physical intimacy into the relationship. Yep, I said it. I've spent a lot of time giving out my whole self while I was outside. I spent a lot of time trying so hard to date people who were outside and trying to encourage them to come inside, and using my body as an enticement. It doesn't work. I am waiting until we're making this investment. We've laid the foundation emotionally and intellectually. We invested the time. And for me it's about bringing connection to a next level, since I am moving in a space where I don't want to rush into this, because for me it's important that the emotional and intellectual and spiritual connection is strong before we get to the physical. If we're on the same page, I know what's worth the wait. And this is not about being traditional. This is about aligning with my values. This is also the point where you start to meet the important people in your life. This is not something I take lightly. I'm just not letting anyone in anymore. I'm not letting anybody meet my daughters until we get to this phase. You'll know about them, I'll talk about them, but it's not until we reach this phase that you get to step into that world.

Nia: 18:38

Courtship is about commitment. It's where we both decide that we're ready to make this real, something lasting. It's no longer about surface level. It's about building something deep, something we can both rely on. So now that I'm trying it on and I'm heading to the register, it's time to really see are we aligned in our values, our goals, what we want for the future? Is this going to stand the test of time?

Nia: 19:06

Courtship takes exploration to a whole new level. It's no longer about just the excitement of finding out something new. It's about committing to this thing and seeing where it can take us. So when I say courtship, I'm telling you that I'm ready to make this official. I've made my decision and now I'm ready to invest in it Heart and soul. And now I'm at the register. I've made my decision, I'm investing. This isn't about a decision made on a whim either. This is a conscious commitment, taking it home with me, introducing it to my world. It's no longer a question of whether or not I'll get it. I'm standing on business. I'm standing on this decision with both feet planted firmly.

Nia: 20:03

At this stage, we're locked in. It's not just about being together, it's about creating a life together. We are building a solid foundation in the early stages and now we get to live and love from that place, not from worry, confusion. From that place, not from worry, confusion, misunderstanding, misalignment. This is the space where we can begin to grow together. We're not just surviving, we're thriving, supporting one another in the journey we've both chosen to take.

Nia: 20:36

Now notice not any time to this conversation. Did we bring up any materialistic topics? How much you make what your car looked like? It's far greater than that. It's time to get one thing straight, though this ain't a recipe for a perfect relationship.

Nia: 20:54

Perfection and love doesn't exist, not in the way we often fantasize about it. True perfection, I believe, comes from embracing the fact that neither one of us is perfect, but we are willing to see each other and meet each other. Where we are, we respect ourselves enough to extend that same respect that we have for ourselves to the other person, and because we love ourself, that makes it easier to love the other person. See, it's a cycle that builds on itself, and this is where the real work begins. It's about taking everything we've learned not just about each other but ourselves from the time we were outside, and applying it in our everyday lives. This is where we get to exercise the things we've learned. We get to reflect our values, not just in the way we show up, but in the way we support our partner on their journey. We've taken the time to understand what matters, and now it's about putting that understanding into practice, and friction's going to happen.

Nia: 22:03

Disagreements are normal. We're not special, but they're not the end of the world. We don't fear them when you've built solid foundations, because we understand they're a part of the process, we've learned how to navigate those challenges with mutual respect and openness, because that's what we give ourself. When we hit a rough patch, we know we're not supposed to take it personally. We can disagree, we can feel triggered, but we don't blame our partner for the emotions that come up. Instead, we express ourselves honestly, respectfully, knowing that this is an opportunity to deepen our connection and understanding of each other.

Nia: 22:47

You ever been in a relationship and felt like you were battling with somebody who just did not like you, probably didn't like themselves? See this phase being in a space where you've made your decision and you're committed. Being in a space where you've made your decision and you're committed it's a stage of constant self-reflection. If you say you're ready to be in a relationship, you also have to be ready to consistently look at yourself. We're not done growing just because we're in a relationship. As we continue to evolve, we have to keep looking inward, checking in with ourselves, ensuring we're not bringing in old patterns or unresolved issues. A strong foundation gives us the tools to navigate life's ups and downs, but the willingness to keep evolving that's what makes it last. Can't expect to have a lasting, fulfilling relationship if you're vibrating at a low love frequency. If you don't do your inner work, this foundation is going to crack, and it takes two people committed to growth, not just individually. Of course, you have to do the work by yourself, but then also, how do you work as a team? Because when you're both in it, the chances for success grow exponentially. This is the point where you build your life together and, while it's not always smooth sailing, you got the tools now to weather the storm. You've set the stage for something real and now it's just time to live in it, breathe in it and love in it.

Nia: 24:36

So we talked about the four stages of dating, but where does it all go wrong? When we rush the process, see, people get this messed up, because a lot of times you meet somebody and you like them and you're yearning or craving for what Connection or validation. You want to jump straight to courtship and commitment and oftentimes, without trying a damn thing on, you're all in locking it down, throwing around labels, acting like you're in a committed relationship when you haven't even figured out if they were a good fit to begin with. And this is where the trouble starts. It also shows up when people are good at acting acting like they want to date, acting like they want to be committed or intercourtship, but they still outside. How are you over here talking about wifing me up and me and my peoples? But we ain't even decided if we like the fabric yet. If we like the fabric yet I'm still trying to figure out if this is something that fits my lifestyle, my values, my vibe. And you already talking about laying down it's not just premature, it's setting everybody up for failure.

Nia: 25:45

When we rush things, we're skipping all the critical steps that lay the foundation for a strong partnership, a strong friendship, a strong relationship. Think about it. If you're trying to skip past getting to know each other, learning about yourself or even establishing trust, what do you think is going to happen when the real stuff starts to show up? Baby, you won't have the tools or the skills to handle it. It's like buying a piece of furniture without checking if it fits in the room first. Yeah, it look real cute in the store, but once you get it home, it not only doesn't match the space but it doesn't fit and you're stuck with something you regret.

Nia: 26:28

And this is the relationship pain I see so often People rushing into things they're not ready for and then trying to force a connection that isn't there. You can't see me? I'm raising my hand. That is me. I am talking to myself, but it also might be you too. See, we're trying to fast track the process with giving ourselves the time to actually experience the connection. What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid to see if this really works for you? Or are you so used to not tapping into what works for you but doing what is best for others? I want to explore that. What about even trying to examine if you're on the same page? At the end of the day, we all need time to explore, learn and reflect, and you can't shortcut your way to growth. If we don't allow time and space for that, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment, more frustration and, ultimately, heartache, and we know this because this is our damn pattern. It's a cycle, and the quicker we try to rush through the stages of dating to get to the end, the quicker the relationship is going to end to end.

Nia: 28:04

I can admit I used to be an impulse buyer. I used to just grab whatever caught my eye, take it straight to the register and deal with the buyer's remorse later. I didn't care if they were inside, outside upside down, whatever they wanted. I just wanted to keep them around. But guess what? Most of those purchases they at the goodwill now. And that's exactly what happens when you don't take your time. You end up giving away things that never really fit you in the first place.

Nia: 28:30

When we approach dating with patience and intention, we clear up so much ambiguity, we stop wasting time on things that don't serve us and we stop forcing relationships that were never meant to last. We stop mistaking infatuation for connection and when we do decide to commit, we do it knowing that we've taken the time to truly understand who we are, what we need and whether this person is aligned with that. This approach ain't about playing games. It's not about being overly cautious or making a motherfucker prove themselves to you. It's about moving with clarity and self-respect and making sure that your connections are built on some real shit, not some bullshit.

Nia: 29:19

Look, I know some people might hear this and think you're doing too much. That is not how love works. That's fair. I want to hear what you think, but from my experience, moving with intention protects not just me but the people I date too, because I don't want to be someone's impulse purchase. I don't want to be something that look good in the moment, only to end up discarded when reality sets in. You only saw it one way. Huh, didn't think that this could be flipped on you too. You might be somebody's goodwill pile. Love is too important for that. We are too important for that. You are too important for that. So tell me, what do y'all think? Does this approach make sense? Have you been an impulse buyer? Have you been the one left behind a goodwill? And if so, what changes are you going to make?

Nia: 30:29

Dear love, love is not a clearance sale. So if you're just out here window shopping, don't act like you're ready to buy. And if someone's trying to take you straight to the register without even checking the price run Because anything worth having is worth understanding first the right person won't rush you. They won't pressure you into skipping steps or make you feel like you're asking for too much just because you're moving with intention too much. Just because you're moving with intention. The right person will move through the process with you, because they're not just looking for something quick, they're looking for something that fits.

Nia: 31:12

And, let's be real, too many of us have ignored the signs for something that wasn't meant for us and paid for it later. But we don't have to keep making the same mistake. We can take our time, crazy huh. We can move with clarity. Love Isn't that wonderful. We can make choices that don't just feel good in the moment, but actually support the love that we want to build, that are a reflection of the love that we have for ourselves. So let me run it back for you real quick.

Nia: 31:50

If you are outside, you're exploring, learning, figuring out what you want. If you're dating, you got your eye on something and you're starting to invest real energy. Now courtship is when you're ready to take things to that next level. That's exclusivity, that deeper connection, that real commitment and commitment. You've made your choice, you're fully invested. Now it's time to build. Now it's time to build. If you move with clarity, you won't have to question where you stand, and that that's how you find something worth keeping. So take your time, check the fabric, try it on, make sure it aligns with your values before you commit, because when you do it right, love isn't something you settle for. It's something you stand on.

Nia: 33:00

Thank you for hanging with me today, love. I know I said we were going to talk about friends with benefits, but what happened was. I was going through some shit and I needed to talk to y'all about it. But don't worry, come hang out with me next week we can talk about that mess. Look, we'll get into it next Wednesday. But if this episode has nourished your spirit and elevated your love frequency, hit that subscribe button so we can keep this conversation growing together. And, while you're at it, share this with at least one person who is starting to date and needs to gain some clarity, needs to understand these stages, so they can stop being out here lying to themselves. Because at Love Frequency, honey, we believe when you know you grow. I love you.